| | Tags: | epiphany | | Current Music: | The Fray :: How to Save a Life | | Subject: | Growing Pains | | Time: | 01:24 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/b/sad.gif) sorrowful |
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| I realized tonight that I have a lot of growing up to do. I've spent this year trying my best to do just that. I've tried to make some of you proud; I've tried to make some of you believe I was adult enough to be your friend. I've let many of you down. For that I apologize.
I felt stagnant as a developing person for a long time. I realize why that was: I was pushing myself into acting a certain way that wasn't me yet. I was doing and saying things on some sort of autopilot. I typically don't do well with things unless I understand the theory behind it.
Like calculus. I'll continue to do poorly in calculus unless I understand where the formulas and tricks come from. I can't regurgitate anything for long; it's never worked for me. Eventually my brain breaks down and I'll stop doing whatever it was I was regurgitating. And it'll land me in trouble. Tonight, that happened.
Instead of growing up, I regurgitated a more "adult" action. Not knowing what I did differently and backed into an old corner, I regressed and let myself get carried away; I snapped. It hurt someone I love dearly.
So I guess I'm writing this as an admission. I'm writing this as a mile-marker on my road of development. This is hopefully one place in my life I'll never have to look forward to see again.
For those of you who cared to read, I've listed a few things I think I need to work on, in no particular order...
- Temper. This has been a skeleton that just won't stay buried for me. Not to offload all the blame, but my parents were just about the worst teachers a kid could have.
- Depression. I was in remission for the better part of last year. Jen has helped with that immensely. But every now and then, especially when I'm all alone, it creeps back in and it gets bad.
- Attention. I have a hard time occasionally on focusing to one particular task. My mind runs a mile a minute for most of the time and slowing down enough to pay attention to any one thing gets hard.
- Memory. This goes along with my pseudo-ADD. If I'm not focused I only remember about 20% of what I should. I want to do better, but I have issues. My goal: to remember a complete conversation, from start to finish, by the end of the summer.
| comments: Leave a comment     |
| | It's been most excellent getting to know you more this year. You're without a doubt (and that's hard to find in my head ;-) one of the most compassionate and loyal friends I've ever had. I saw the problems you mentioned in you throughout the year, but I also saw you continually working on those problems. I think you've mad a ton of progress over these past few years. So I say keep on reflecting, thinking, changing for yourself, and chugging along. It's been an excellent ride to be with you on thus far :-). | | (Reply) (Thread) |
| | Zack, you have not let me down in the slightest. Quite honestly, I've seen a change in you from the time I've known you since back in freshman year til now. I see you working on changing yourself and that's all that really matters. You know what you need to work on and you're doing it. No need to say or do things that are uncomfortable for you because it's not you yet, we're your friends so we're not gonna judge you on that. | | (Reply) (Thread) |
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